I admire no one. I love no one. I dont even love myself. I hate death. I hate living. I hate weath. I hate poor. I hate family. I hate people. I dont care about anybody. I dont care about myself. I hate materals. I bealive nothing anybody says. I hate love. I hate hate. I hate many things but 1 thing that i cant stand that i absoultly HATE is life itself. Life is meaningless. Many people feel this way but i might feel it the strongest. I have no feelings. I cry for no reason. My heart burns so i cry. I think to myself why am i so cruel? Why do i hate everything and then i laugh and then say "Why wont this pain go away?" I dont understand life. Why cant people just go and die whenever they feel like it. I dont have people who will miss me... My family, friends, and teachers might miss me but like i said i dont care about thier pain. I dont care about anything really besides this difficult feeling in my heart. Cuts dont scar my they scar my body... what people say scar me for a lifetime. I dont know if it wrong to feel hatred all the time but i dont know what else to feel. Love... to love someone... i really dont know what that means. I mean love is just a word right? I rather have little trust then no love at all... Things hurt my heart. Cuts, burns, scars, and ripped fingernails dont hurt me at all they will soon heal. Things inside... your heart will never heal that fast and sometimes they never heal at all. And that is it in my case. I dont really thing that this pain will ever heal... ever. I dont understand this. People say i should see counslars... but i will never in my life see one. I dont make anyone happy. I dont bring any love. I dont bring any pain. I dont do anything to anybody. Haha what are these? Tears... why are they just making my eyes blurry? When i hear people laugh... my eyes water up and it makes me laugh... i dont know why? Maybe because i like when people are happy when im not. It's sorta like they are stealing my happiness and just wasting it like hey can always produce more. Fun? what is fun excally? Love? What is love excally? Pain? What is pain excally? I dont understand any of it. People are filled with so much talent that is shown and mine is hidden somewhere... somewhere... i dont know where it its hiding. Im trying to say come on out where are you? But, i just cant find it nowhere. Tears are so annyoing i wish i could stop but for some reason they just dont go away when i want them to. Jennifer, I'm there for you... why dont you understand that? Why dont you want me? WHY? Why dont you want me? Whats wrong with me!? Tears? Again?? Why... I dont understand why you dont want me? Why nobody wants me... Why am i so lonley. I should be happy at my age but im not. Im depressed... lonley... angry. I need to be free away from everything and i bealive that if i die i will finally be free from everything that has hurt me. I am hated by my family... my closest family. Why? I dont know... whats so wrong wih me... do i have a disease? Am i that uncomfortable and wierd that it scares people away from me. Cant someone just love me. Cant someone admire me. Cant someone just confort me and make me feel better... nowhere is home. Hell is everywhere except heaven... which is where i wish to be everyday of me lofe starting tomorrow... i do wish i could kill myslef i want to see gods face and have him love me. I wont give up... until im with god... i will not give up trying to get there and trying to be happy. I look happy but on the inside i feel like im dying. I need someone to pull my out of this feeling everyone who i've ever met has tried but nobody has succeded yet and to be honest i dont think anybody will... no quite yet. This just writing this makes me feel better but i still feel my heart pulsing for love. Love? Huh... pathetic... completly worthless.
Listening to: monster by skillet
Watching: this world go black